With Tony Overbay
Creating Connection in Your Marriage
Are you ready to learn the key to creating more connection in your marriage? As a life coach, I see a lot of people who are committed to their marriages and yet they are not feeling very connected in their marriages. It is not because of a lack of desire, it’s just a lack of skills that they need to have to have that fulfilling marriage. Most people realize that communication is key in a marriage and they just haven’t been taught how to do it.
I have Invited Tony Overbay from The Virtual Couch Podcast to share with us the way that we can actually create the connection we desire from our marriage relationship.
Please Listen to this power packed interview! Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the interview.
“When people come into my office, the first thing is letting them know that it’s not only normal, but it’s expected and anticipated, not to be able to communicate effectively. That’s part of the human experience. The Second thing is to teach them these communication skills and techniques, a better way to communicate – to be heard and to listen. People aren’t even aware of what that type of marriage can look like.”
“We are so afraid of contention, that we avoid tension altogether. When you have a really healthy way to communicate, that tension is where the growth occurs. We can have differences and if we have a way to communicate about them, when we bring them up to our spouse, it can feel a little bit of tension there, but then that’s where we find out who our spouse is and what they really believe.”
Designed to deal with emotion with another human
Sue Johnson said, “we’re designed to deal with emotion in concert with another human.” So when you think about it that way, the ultimate goal is to be able to have this person that is there for you that you’re there for them.
Someone that you can just process things because life is messy. So it’s so much better when you can have somebody you can turn to and communicate with. And they’re going to say, Hey, tell me more. I can’t believe you think that. And I love what you said too about it’s. I feel like none of us have the real skills to communicate effectively with our spouse as a factory setting, because we’re bringing all of our own stuff into adulthood from our childhood, our abandonment issues and attachment wounds.
So we’re still just these almost these scared little creatures that are getting into relationships feeling like if I really open up my spouse may not like me anymore. Or even be the person that they think that they married. So we’re both playing this almost game of emotional chicken where we’re kind of putting a little bit out there.
“And what do you think?” then if our spouse says, “oh, I disagree, that’s not the way I feel” a lot of times we just do this dance or we just say, “no, you’re right – I don’t really feel that way either”. And so neither one of us are really able tobexpress how we feel. And we’re two completely different individuals that are coming into a relationship. So we better have different thoughts and feelings and emotions and that sort of thing.
So how do we actually communicate better: It begins with the 4 pillars of a connected conversation.
4 Pillars of a Connected Conversation:
The key to creating more connection in your marriage is to change the goal of a conversation. The goal of a connected conversation is: to listen and be heard – it is NOT to solve the problem. Here are the 4 pillars of creating a connected conversation:
1- Assume Good Intentions. There is a reason why they are telling you this.
2- Don’t tell them they are wrong or that you don’t believe them. Drop the judgement and just listen. Use the phrase, “tell me more”.
3- Ask Questions Before Making Comments. Discover their perspective and where they are coming from.
4- Stay Present and Lean into the Conversation. Be genuinely curious about what your spouse is saying and feeling.
When using these 4 steps, the key it to remember the goal of a connected conversation: To listen and be heard! That’s how you can create more connection in your Marriage!
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